Is it normal to feel resentment towards spoiled stepchild?

Answer 1

It is actually common for a stepparent to have mixed and even negative feelings toward a stepchild. However, as an adult figure in that child's life, it is important for a stepparent to make a strong effort to treat the child with respect (even when this is not reciprocated) and not to assume the role of a replacement mother or father (the child already has a mother and father), and instead to assume the role of an adult role model and caretaker. Sometimes it is helpful to regard one's role as a stepparent as being similar to the role of a school teacher in a child's life: you are an adult role model who is partially responsible for and to the child and to the child's parents, but your purview of authority is typically secondary to that of the actual parents. Obviously in many mixed families a stepparent might develop a very warm and close relationship with a stepchild, but this is not necessarily the case.

If as a stepparent you feel that your relationship with your stepchild is problematic, it can be very, very helpful for you to start visiting a counselor or psychologist--not because there is something wrong with you, but to help you understand your own feelings and to find ways of dealing with the problems of being a stepparent. Family or couple's counseling might potentially follow this, or happen in conjunction with this, but it is important for you to have an adviser who helps *you* specifically as well.

All that said, it is essential in any mixed family that the biological parent to whom you are married treats you with respect and dignity when dealing with his or her child (your stepchild). For instance, a stepchild that is violent or abusive to a stepparent is something that his or her biological parent must take steps to protect you, the stepparent, from.

Whether or not a stepchild is spoiled is a value judgment that you should avoid: instead, your counselor or psychologist can help you understand why you have this value judgment and how you can get past this so that you can maximize the potential in your relationship with your stepchild while simultaneously maintaining communication and health interaction in your marriage.