How do you help a narcissist's children?

Answer 1

I am in the same boat right now, my son moved in with his father about 5 months ago, he loved his dad, wanted to get to know him better, wanted a fresh start with a new school and his 3 step sisters. Lo and behold, all of the blaming and shaming that I had seen in his father 10 yrs ago became a daily part of their lives. His dad became so verbally and borderline physically violent that he is now back home with me safe and sound. My son can see through his dad, he can recognize his character. My son has a mind of his own, he does not do well with authoritative men there is always confrontation. It is my oppinion that his father could not control his mind so he took his anger out on his own son. So my advice to you is this, unless you have little angels for children, limit the time that they spend with their father and be honest with them. Tell them that daddy has an anger problem and it is best if they do as little as possible to rock the boat. Let them know that you will always be there for them that they can use you as their Venting Post. Tell them he does not intend to be mean and most of all reassure them that your own love for them is absolute and unconditional. That God Blessed you with your beautiful children, that they were no mistake and that you believe them and have faith in them. Maybe even have them pray with you for their father. Teach them to be strong and stand firm, but not to blowup in front of their dad. Having an N for a mother I now realize that the best support came from my grandparents who I had limited but consistent contact with. They were the ones that accepted me unconditionally & that's what made me the person I am now. If any non-N parent knows that an N has contact with their children, please help your kids by supporting their feelings & validating them. I know when an N parent is irrational the child needs to hear from someone that it's not 'them' & that their feelings are valid. Help give the child the validation & support (without badmouthing the N parent - explain the N parent has some personal issues that makes him angry, it's not the kid's fault & leave it at that). I know from first hand experience how important it is for a child/teen to have someone in their life that validates their feelings & unconditionally support their individualism. Now that I'm 47 years old & I can look back on my grandparents as my saviours, you have no idea how powerful your support can be to any child, it's potentially life-saving. Best of luck to all who have children with N's, I'm lucky the N I was involved with for 7 years was not the father of my daughter! Well in my case, the N was the father of my daughter. But we are lucky that, at 21 months old, she has only spent time with him on about 7 occasions, all supervised by me and his mother or my mother. We all know he can't be trusted, even his mother. She has agreed to work as a go-between and be there during visits, which helps keep him under control. Luckily, his mom and I are good friends. She was not the N in his family; it was his Dad, so I find I can have a good relationship with her, although she was too lax as a parent, too inconsistent, too much meaningless praise, that sort of thing. But it doesn't matter now; I am always there to supervise. As my daughter grows, she and I will have many talks about psychological problems. We will talk about what is appropriate and what is abusive, and what she can do if someone is abusive, either verbally or physically. When she is better able to understand what a disorder is, I will explain NPD and explain that her father and several other people in her family have it. I doubt she will develop it herself because of limited contact and the fact that I have totally different parenting skills than his mom had. I do a lot of reading and research about parenting, and I make a point to be consistent, truthful, positive, realistic, etc. Also she is a girl, and they are less likely to develop it. Still it is a concern, and I'll look out for any signs. If she were older, I'd get her into counseling (without the N). As it is, I hope we won't need it. As a non-N parent, research, knowledge and truthfulness are great tools. I think it's important not to mince facts; Narcissism is narcissism, not an anger problem. Even children will come to understand in time, after much discussion, what that means. I encourage you to discuss it. Don't try to hide what is wrong with the N because it is in the shadows that they live and perpetrate their acts of cruelty. In hiding what they are, you are only colluding with the N and helping him. The best way is to bring what they are to light, face it and proceed to counsel the kids about it and ignore the N. You don't want him using the kids as a source of narcissistic supply. Arm them with knowledge, tell them what they can do to protect themselves. Help them to avoid him or ignore the narcissist as much as possible. Do what my narcissistic ex used to threaten to do to people all the time: cut him off.