Why do people abuse their partners?

Answer 1

Multiple abusive relationships are a classic example of not expecting change without doing anything different. One thing I've seen is people leaving one abusive relationship for their rescuer, who in turn becomes abusive and so on. One way to avoid this is to take some time after ending a relationship to rediscover yourself. Even so, it is easy to miss red flags of new people who come into your life. Besides being educated--I keep source books to check in with--try to be very aware of how you feel when you have spent time with the person, if there have been too many difficult times it is often a warning. I had one lovely boyfriend who I could get along with for about 9 days and then he would pick something to correct me on. I finally realized that I couldn't live with the cycle. Just take your time before becoming too invested. There ARE good people out there, even for us "repeat victims."

AnswerThese abusers know how to turn on the charm and treat a woman like a princess. They can be the most romantic men on the face of the earth, and you can feel like the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. It's not until they feel that they have "got" you that you begin to see their true colours.

Remember that if a potential partner seems too good to be true at first, he probably is. Tread carefully, and get to know him first before becoming too romantically involved. If he is genuine, he will wait for you and not rush in as if he is your "knight in shining armour" coming to rescue you.

My father is a misogynist who knows how to turn on the charm for people outside the family, and I find myself falling for these types of men all the time. It must be more than a coincidence.

Whatever we do, we must not let potential partners think we are needy in any way. Potential abusers notice neediness and zoom right in on us. Emotionally healthy people are usually turned off by neediness.

AnswerThe following applies to abusers, as well as to narcissists (many narcissists are abusers and viceversa):

Narcissists belong to two broad categories: the "compensatory stability" and the "enhancing instability" types.

I. Compensatory Stability ("Classic") Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and "make these aspect/s stable". They do not really invest themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his "island of stability". To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there physically.

The narcissist is dependent upon "his" woman to maintain the stability lacking in all other areas of his life (=to compensate for his instability). Yet, emotional closeness is bound to threaten the narcissist. Thus, he is likely to distance himself from her and to remain detached and indifferent to most of her needs. Despite this cruel emotional treatment, the narcissist considers her to be a point of exit, a form of sustenance, a fountain of empowerment. This mismatch between what he wishes to receive and what he is able to give, the narcissist prefers to deny, repress and bury deep in his unconscious. This is why he is always shocked and devastated to learn of his wife's estrangement, infidelity, or divorce intentions. Possessed of no emotional depth, being completely one track minded � he cannot fathom the needs of others. In other words, he cannot empathise.

Another even more common case is the "career narcissist". This narcissist marries, divorces and remarries with dizzying speed. Everything in his life is in constant flux: friends, emotions, judgements, values, beliefs, place of residence, affiliations, hobbies. Everything, that is, except his work. His career is the island of compensating stability in his volatile existence. This kind of narcissist doggedly pursues it with unmitigated ambition and devotion. He perseveres in one workplace or one job, patiently, persistently and blindly climbing up the ladder or treading the career path. In his pursuit of job fulfilment and achievements, the narcissist is ruthless and unscrupulous and, very often, most successful.

II. Enhancing Instability ("Borderline") Narcissist

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life � by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) � he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are changing simultaneously, that they are being "unshackled", that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent "conversions", "decisions", "crises", "transformations", "developments" and "periods". They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.

AnswerNarcissists hate routine. When a narcissist finds himself doing the same things over and over again, he gets depressed. He oversleeps, over-eats, over-drinks and, in general, engages in addictive, impulsive, reckless, and compulsive behaviours. This is his way of re-introducing risk and excitement into what he (emotionally) perceives to be a barren life.

The problem is that even the most exciting and varied existence becomes routine after a while. Living in the same country or apartment, meeting the same people, doing essentially the same things (even with changing content) � all "qualify" as stultifying rote.

The narcissist feels entitled to more. He feels it is his right � due to his intellectual superiority � to lead a thrilling, rewarding, kaleidoscopic life. He feels entitled to force life itself, or, at least, people around him, to yield to his wishes and needs, supreme among them the need for stimulating variety.

This rejection of habit is part of a larger pattern of aggressive entitlement. The narcissist feels that the very existence of a sublime intellect (such as himself) warrants concessions and allowances by others. Standing in line is a waste of time better spent pursuing knowledge, inventing and creating. The narcissist should avail himself of the best medical treatment proffered by the most prominent medical authorities � lest the asset that he is lost to Mankind. He should not be bothered with trivial pursuits � these lowly functions are best assigned to the less gifted. The devil is in paying precious attention to detail.

Entitlement is sometimes justified in a Picasso or an Einstein. But few narcissists are either. Their achievements are grotesquely incommensurate with their overwhelming sense of entitlement and with their grandiose self-image.

Of course, the feeling of superiority often serves to mask a cancerous complex of inferiority. Moreover, the narcissist infects others with his projected grandiosity and their feedback constitutes the edifice upon which he constructs his self-esteem. He regulates his sense of self worth by rigidly insisting that he is above the madding crowd while deriving his Narcissistic Supply from this very source.

But there is a second angle to this abhorrence of the predictable. Narcissists employ a host of Emotional Involvement Prevention Measures (EIPM). Despising routine and avoiding it is one of these mechanisms. Their function is to prevent the narcissist from getting emotionally involved and, subsequently, hurt. Their application results in an "approach-avoidance repetition complex". The narcissist, fearing and loathing intimacy, stability and security � yet craving them approaches and then avoids significant others or important tasks in a rapid succession of apparently inconsistent and disconnected behaviours.

Answer 2

Primarily low self-esteem, feeling not worthy -- when someone pays attention to you, you grab on to it and feel like they like you and you don't really want to see the red flags that are there. We so want to believe they love us for us. Somehow that other person know that you have a good heart, you are very forgiving, and most often we show it in the beginning. By being needy. Don't know if this helps. Some people have the propensity to end up in abusve relationships due to a variety of reasons, not all of them psychological.

Answer 3

Abuse between people, even lovers, does occur because of various reasons, often irrational and emotional, and more or less subconscious. Regardless of the manifold psychological, psychiatric or mental conditions that may have led to a person's abusive behavior, any progress to take place will involve the strengthening of the abuser's sense of empathy and his/her capacity to exercise self-restraint and wisdom when anger strikes. While lots of love, mercy, compassion and forgiveness are essential ingredients in any sustainable relationship between lovers, it may be argued that moral education and spritual discipline should likewise be seen as key factors when it comes to tackling impulsive behavior.