What causes an abuser to abuse?

Answer 1

It takes two to tango and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux" and the "Stockholm Syndrome" capture facets two of a myriad of this dense macabre. It often ends fatally. It is always an excruciatingly painful affair.

Abuse is closely correlated with Alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviors, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders. It doesn't help that society refuses to openly and frankly tackle this pernicious phenomenon and the guilt and shame associated with it.

The situation is not always bad; it has good and bad times and it is that slippery slope that keeps people from doing what they know they must. A habit of second guessing rather than choosing a path with confidence is difficult to overcome. It is not just leaving-it is providing a safe place for yourself and children, getting a job, managing the legalities all at the same time - and it is daunting for a good period of time after you have left.

People overwhelmingly women remain in an abusive household for a variety of reasons: economic, parental (to protect the children), and psychological. But the objective obstacles facing the battered spouse cannot be overstated.

The abuser treats his spouse as an object, an extension of himself, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs. Thus, typically, the couple's assets are on his name from real estate to medical insurance policies. The victim has no family or friends because her abusive partner or husband frowns on her initial independence and regards it as a threat. By intimidating, cajoling, charming, and making false promises, the abuser isolates his prey from the rest of society and, thus, makes her dependence on him total. She is often also denied the option to study and acquire marketable skills or augment them.

Abandoning the abusive spouse frequently leads to a prolonged period of destitution and peregrination. Custody is usually denied to parents without a permanent address, a job, income security, and, therefore, stability. Thus, the victim stands to lose not only her mate and nest but also her off-spring. There is the added menace of violent retribution by the abuser or his proxies coupled with emphatic contrition on his part and a protracted and irresistible "charm offensive".

Gradually, she is convinced to put up with her spouse's cruelty in order to avoid this harrowing predicament.

But there is more to an abusive dyad than mere pecuniary convenience. The abuser stealthily but unfailingly exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological makeup of his victim. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defense mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel inadequate (autoplastic neurosis). She may have come from an abusive family or environment which conditioned her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and pain.

The abuser may be functional or dysfunctional, a pillar of society, or a peripatetic con-artist, rich or poor, young or old. There is no universally-applicable profile of the "typical abuser". Yet, abusive behavior often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies. Absent empathy, the abuser perceives the abused spouse only dimly and partly, as one would an inanimate source of frustration. The abuser, in his mind, interacts only with himself and with "introjects" representations of outside objects, such as his victims. The abused person is emotionally fragile, starving for affection, security, and affirmation. If the abused person lacks a strong social support system, the abusive relationship, sick as it is, provides some relief from being alone. Some abused partners avoid being alone at all costs, until they hit rock bottom and cannot live with the abuse any longer. Because in most cases the abused does not realize they are being abuse in the beginning the abuser will use blame shifting. Once the abuser has given you so many reasons that things went wrong because of something that you did or didn't do, or behaviors, or attitudes that he or she says that you should work on "yourself" you begin to feel as if the abuse takes place because you have made mistakes. Some people like myself tend to be fixers and want to find a solution to all the problems that have been presented thinking that the problem really is you. I hear that a lot -YOU YOU YOU don't care about me, YOU lie, YOU made me do what I did because you....You, and so on and so on. Don't take the blame anymore, don't confuse being an adult and making healthy adult decisions to work through things with taking someones abusive crap. I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT! How I stayed with my ex for as long as I did is a mystery. The signs came a long time ago, but I thought it was ok. Then came the first incident of physical abuse and I swore that was it and I was going to leave. But then he sweet talked me and told me it would never happen again, and that he would get help. So I believed him because I loved him and I thought what he was saying was completely true. I guess I wanted to believe that the mean guy I saw in him wasn't really him.

But he never got the help, and after another month he started verbally abusing me, lying to me, started using drugs. Again, you'd think I would have bolted! Well I tried, but again he came to me that he'd get help, it would get better, he loved me. And I stayed! I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT. Things were great for a little while, but then again, another incident when I was left with bruises all over my body. I left the house and got a hotel room to stay that night. I swore that was it, i left. But again, he came to me begging and again I went back. Each time I completely believed that this time, THIS TIME he really would get help and THIS TIME it would work. That never happened.

I finally have ended it for good, I haven't had contact with him for 2 days since the s#@$ hit the fan. I'm so angry at myself for staying in this abusive relationship for so long. I never thought I would endanger myself, or be the "stupid girl" that I'd see in movies. But i did, and it was because I was in love, and was hoping that he could be the sweet guy he was some of the times, ALL OF THE TIME. But that can't happen when there's a monster deep down. I should have left when the monster first appeared. I feel like such an idiot that i didn't. I'm glad I'm finally out. I don't have to be scared anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent. This is a question I used to ask myself a lot. As a strong feminist I couldn't understand why someone would stay in a relationship that was abusive. Then I ended up in an abusive relationship, and saw how difficult it was to disentangle myself from it. Some things to think about:

1) Abuse often starts gradually and then gets worse over time (like gradually increasing heat until it hits the boiling point, it's sometimes difficult to see what's happening until you're far along in the process).

2) Abusive people will often separate you from your friends and family, removing your traditional sources of support. After you've had to blow off friends and family, or been embarrassed in front of them many times, because of the behavior of your partner, it's sometimes difficult to reach back for help.

3) Abusers will often operate on the mindset that everything is your fault. Delivery Pizza is burnt? Your fault. Weather bad? Your fault. When you're used to shouldering the blame for every small thing that happens in life, the abuse becomes your fault as well. He'll tell you it's your fault, of course, and at some point you start believing. This may also be a characteristic that you entered the relationship with - an over willingness to accept blame; couple this with a need to shift blame for everything and you have a very bad combination.

4) Abusers can threaten dire consequences (either to themselves or to you) if you leave. In my case, my abuser was fiscally dependent on me. If I left, he would have nowhere to go, and no money to live on. He used this to make me feel very guilty. If I left he would have nothing, he would harm himself, etc. His lack of financial independence was, of course, my fault.

5) Living with abuse over a period of time sucks away your energy and self esteem. All of your resources go towards avoiding the next big blow up, trying to protect what little peace you have in the home. Your sense of self worth is continually taken away by your treatment at home and you believe that you deserve no better than what you have.

6) It's humiliating to admit that you are living in an abusive situation. It's humiliating to even admit this to yourself. Being abused is equated with being weak and unable to defend oneself in our society. There is a general idea that people who are in abusive situations somehow deserve to be there, as they are not strong enough to have extricated themselves. Denial of what is going on can be very strong. I was with my ex for 6 years. I should have left him when he went to jail, but I didn't...after he got out of jail, everything was fine. About a year later, we got our own place is the time the abuse started. I ended up getting pregnant and that didn't seem to stop him.. He literally pushed me on the ground and kicked me�luckily, my son was fine... I was stupid and I thought I was in love I thought it was my fault and I was getting beat... So, I stayed. Eventually, it got worse....around my son's 1st birthday, I ended up leaving him. He flipped out he kidnapped my son for 3 days. And I was away from him for about 3 months until his sister called me up and said he tried to kill himself, I was stupid again and took him back. Everything was fine for about a month and I thought "Well, maybe he changed"...I was wrong. It all started again. The first time it started was because I didn't come to him when he called me. He ended up punching me in my side and breaking my ribs and he bruised my kidney. I kicked him out of the house. He begged me to come back and of course I did. The last time he hit me it was in my face and he broke my nose. I finally went to the cops and made a report, but didn't press charges. A domestic violence lady called me and talked me into putting an order of protection against him and make where he only sees our son every other weekend. I know I was stupid but once abuse starts, you need to get out it just gets worse and he's lying when he says he loves you he can't love you if beats you. Sometimes, there is no choice or at least it feels that way. I am currently in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. We've been together for 12 years and married for 10 of those. Back before we had kids, I threatened and actually did leave several times. I was a fool, I always thought he really would change, and was to stupid to realize that he never once admitted that he really did have a problem. Now, we have 5 kids, 3 of which are triplets, and I feel trapped. I hate the way he treats me, always yelling and screaming and calling names, he acts like he's my father rather than my husband most of the time. When I see other couples, I long for that kind of relationship, where both parties respect each other. The only time he's nice is when he wants sex and even there, he is disrespectful. He pouts if I turn him down and accuses me of cheating and he pushes oral sex on me when he knows I am uncomfortable with it. Yet, if I don't comply, he throws a tantrum so it's easier just to lay there and let him do whatever. I started taking classes for nursing last semester and if I pass, my interview will be done and working in about 2.5 years...some days seem to feel like ages away, though. I even told him that once I am through with school and am working and making good money, his choice will be to shape up or ship out! However, that only causes yet another argument. At the moment, I stay because I don't feel like I have a choice, and there's no way I'd leave my kids with him so he can make them just like him, but without having a job, I have no way to support myself plus 5 kids. Or, I would do it in a heartbeat. The worst part is that some of his behaviors have rubbed off on me...I say things to him now that I would never have said 12 years ago, because I wasn't raised that way, but when someones' constantly telling you what an idiot you are, it doesn't take long to fall into the pattern of throwing it right back at them. Even worse is that I see it in my kids especially my oldest son, who is 8. I feel so helpless that I can't get them out of this situation. Hello, all. I can't believe I am on this page. Let me explain. I'm a 27 year old male. I haven't been in many relationships in my life, only 2 and they combined to span something like 13 months. I basically was waiting for the right person to come along. 2 months ago I met this older woman who is 35. She seemed very interested in me and I gave her my number. We talked for hours one night. What she told me was she was not quite finalized in her divorce from her husband. She told me that she was married for 19 years and she had 2 kids ages 17 and 18. Her husband was physically abusive and she wanted to leave so many times but she didn't because of the kids and the fact that her father was a preacher and he told her if she got a divorce she was going to hell.

I listened to this and I evaluated every word she said. She explained that she had been separated from him for 3 years and she had since dated another guy. This second guy ended up being verbally and emotionally abusive to her as well and didn't want her kids around. She ended up leaving him and moving back with her parents. Now this is when I met her.

The more I talked off and on with her the more I thought this woman was a sweetheart and it was drawing me in. I knew from what she was saying that she hadn't ever been in a real relationship. I thought that I could show her everything that she hadn't been able to enjoy in life. I wanted to step up as a man and make this woman happy and treat her like she deserved to be treated.

Everything seemed fine, she finalized her divorce and we were "dating" although not quite physically involved yet. One day she received a call from her ex-boyfriend. She told me that he left her a message (because she didn't answer the phone) that stated something like "What are you on a hot f****** date!?". She told me she was going to "take care of this problem". I was a bit weary of the situation and she was hinting that she was going to go talk with him. Deep down inside I knew this was bad for her to do. She was giving him an opportunity to snake his way back into her life. She went and talked with him. She didn't call me that night or the next night like she normally did. I knew something was up. Now, from my perspective, I didn't want to get hurt, but I had developed feelings for this woman. I spoke with her on the phone and basically she said she needed time to figure things out. I knew this was bad. She was so gung-ho about talking to me and planning things with me and now she totally stopped and didn't know what she wanted. I talked with her for 3 hours about this situation one night.

She said she was confused. She liked me and she told me I would be everything she could ever ask for in a partner, but she still had feelings for this other guy. She said she didn't think it would be fair to be with me when she had feelings for him still. I was devastated. I explained to her that everyone has those feelings after somethings ends and you just need to take a step forward and grab my hand and stand with me for a while and you'll soon realize that what you had before was nothing compared to what I could offer. This guy was treating her like a yo-yo. He would throw her away when he didn't want her around, and because she kept that emotional string tied to him, he could always pull her back up from the dirt when he wanted to. It had worked for him before and it was going to work again. I thought to myself that I need to do everything I can do to help this woman out of this cycle. I never ever felt so emotional over something like this. I am usually a passive person and I will let things that I can't control fall as they may. I want to save this woman from all of this but I am not sure how. That's how I ended up here. I was researching this subject to get a better understanding of what was going on with her emotionally. To be honest I couldn't quite understand why she would even think about going back when she had something that was about to turn into something she had always wanted. A man to love her and treat her the way she wanted to be treated, as a best friend and a lover.

So she said she needed time and space to figure out if she wanted to go back with this guy or be with me. I told her that was alright, and I expressed all of my concerns to her, and I explained everything I felt for her (I have never stepped up and done this with anyone in the past) and I told her I would give her all the time she needed but I also told her that I didn't think there was any way I could win in this situation. I told her I wasn't going to call her anymore, and if she wanted to talk to me she could call me anytime. She said she would call but I haven't heard from her in a few days. I've exhausted myself trying to convince her not to go back to something that she knew the outcome was going to be. I honestly care for this woman and I don't want her to keep getting hurt. When she told me about everything that she had been through in her life between the 2 abusive relationships I wanted to cry. She had been raped, beaten, choked, verbally abused, etc, etc. She started to list all of these things that would be a reason why I wouldn't want to be with her, she had no money, bad credit, lived with her parents, was emotionally unstable and suicidal. She was trying to make it easy for me to let her go so it wouldn't be as hard for her to choose between me or him. She knows I'm the right one, but it is easier for her not to cut her ties with him and just go back. She said she had been so depressed, obsessed with this guy wanting her back. I tried to the best of my ability to convince her that this was a mistake to go back but I think I have failed. She can't see it with her eyes because she believes that it will be different the next time or he will somehow change. I explained that I have seen this countless times where some abusive guy will get 3,4,5, 20 chances with a girl. The girl just will keep coming back thinking it will be different or better this time. It never is. I also explained that there were honest, sincere, caring guys like me out there who often never get a chance at all. It is a severe injustice, but I don't know where the fault lies. I have expressed all my feelings and concerns to her and I have left it up to her to decide what to do. I know what is going to happen but there seems to be nothing I can do to help her. I know if I could keep her away from him that I could restore this woman's confidence in life and show her what real love and devotion is. She is putting herself on course for a self-imposed train wreck if she chooses to go back to him. I know I can't make her choice for her. But I don't want her to keep getting hurt. I know if she chooses to go back, I will have to walk away because I care too much for her to see her have everything crash again and go further down the spiral. It would hurt me to see that.

I have a very different perspective on this whole subject from this experience and from what I have researched. It tears me up to think about all of these women who go through this. I just would like to say to some of you that not all men are this way. I have given every ounce of devotion and love to the people I have been with in the past. Unfortunately for me, this was taken for granted, but I know when the right one comes along it will all ring clear and become an asset that makes someone happy for a long time. Wow... this site is amazing. I've seen my story here a hundred times. I have been married for two years and have recently come to the conclusion that my husband is an alcoholic and abusive. It started within a few months of marriage, when he got really angry (while drunk) for no rational reason. He knocked over furniture. He threw things at me, called me names, pulled my hair, and tried to choke me. This happened a few times during the next year, although he never actually hurt me physically, other than coughing while he was choking me. I mean he never hit me or left bruises or other marks. We were getting ready to move and I kept thinking things would be better after we moved. They were for a few months, but then he did the same thing again (names, pulling hair, choking me). He went out of town for a couple weeks and I realized that I was able to drive home from work and not worry about what I would find when I got there. He is retired, so he can starting drinking whenever he wants to. I found this site a couple weeks ago and decided to take action. I tried to talk to him about it, but he really had nothing to say other than that he loves me and he doesn't want to hurt me. But when he's drunk, it's another story altogether. I realized that the things I talked about when he was sober would come back to haunt me when he was drinking and after he had time to dwell on it for a couple days. We talked about the abuse again and he admitted choking me a couple years ago, but basically denied everything else and even told me I was fabricating it all. He says he gets mad because I argue too much. I have seen a counselor at the shelter and was convinced I needed to file for divorce. I started working on a plan. I have a place to go if I need to leave and a bag in my car with essentials. I have a separate bank account and my own credit cards. I am a strong willed woman with a military background, a graduate degree, and an excellent career. I have always said if anyone ever hurt me, I would be gone before daybreak... yet here I am... thinking about all the good times we have had and wondering if we will ever have them back again. I change from angry and strong to hurt and weak on a daily basis. I can't believe I didn't see this coming... he proposed to me 6 weeks after we started dating, but there were no other warning signs. He has a comment for everything I say, implying I am stupid or inferior in some other way. If I make a mistake, I get crucified... but if he makes a mistake, it's no big deal... "it can happen to anyone". He drinks every evening and I walk around on eggshells, never knowing when he will explode into another rage. I have purchased a couple books on abuse and alcoholism, and hope to get some insight from them and build some inner strength. I'm sure I have to divorce him. I don't really believe he wants to change, and therefore he won't. I love him but I have trouble believing he really loves me... how can you do such things to someone you love? Sometimes people stay because of threats to their family that they believe the abuser will carry out.

I too have seen my story here in bits and pieces. I have thought I was alone. I left my abusive husband after 15 years and 2 kids I sat for months after calling myself the some of the names he called me - idiot, stupid, dummy asking over and over why did I stay? Why didn't I call the police? I was married and had 2 kids before I was 25, my ex-husband first hit me when I was pregnant with my first and I was devastated I was 20 years old I had no family and no money I was not even allowed to drive a car. After each time he would apologize profusely and tell me if I would just not make him so mad he would not have to hit me. He would also say that no one would believe me that he hit me and he denies it even though I have pictures of the bruises. Each time I forgave him and would try not to misbehave so he would not "have" to hit me but it was always something. He would tell me that if I left he would kill me and cut me up in pieces and he would hurt my mother. My parents were not allowed in the house I was not allowed to have friends in the house or go anywhere with friends and if I did I was a "wh*re" he told my kids that I was a drug addict and an alcoholic when I rarely drink and never took drugs in my life. I finally had enough when he yanked me down a flight of steps by my hair and slammed my head into a wood desk and when I went to run he grabbed my arms so hard he broke all the blood vessels where he grabbed. To top it off when I was getting ready to leave he threw me down by kneeing me in the back bruising my backside flipped me over and bit me and choked me then threw a chair on top of me - my kids saw this I needed out it was leave or die. Now, in the divorce, he is trying to take my kids. I am fighting, and it has cost me everything money my job and all the "professionals" say that my ex "presents himself well" and as I read this page, I see many abusers do WHY don't the courts see this? On top of all of it, I am the one being persecuted the most because if I was abused, why did I stay? That's what they keep asking me - I was even told that if I stayed - I deserved it. To be a victim of abuse is devastating I still have nightmares that he will hurt me. I have to talk to him because the courts make me and no one wants to acknowledge his abuse. My whole world was torn apart I left with nothing and I left everything behind that I spent a lifetime working for (except my kids) and all I can say months and months later is THANK GOD I did - there is no material possession that replaces the happiness I am learning to get out of life even though he still has to be part of it I am learning to cope and I strongly suggest if you leave an abusive relationship seek therapy from a therapist trained in dealing with battered women - they need that training I did and I am healing and I am find myself for the first time in 15 years - Happy. Even with all the difficulties in starting over it is so worth it. If someone is calling you names, putting you down, isolating you from your network, hitting you and in any way, is unwelcome physically, acts aggressive towards you, threatens you in any way - Don't think about what comes after - RUN - RUN HARD AND FAST ASK FOR HELP - call a domestic hotline. Things tend to fall into place somehow, but don't stay in misery! Get out, and find happiness.

I've been there, so I have experience in this matter. Most people remain in an abusive relationship because they don't think they can do any better and convince themselves that they love this person and that things will improve. The individual needs to come to the realization that they can do better and they are better off not being in a relationship of this nature.

Answer 2

For many reasons, but usually because of person in the relationship feels the needs to assert their power of the other -maybe they don't have much power in their everyday life so need to exert it over someone often weaker or nicer.

AnswerA lot of abusive relationships happen because of either jealousy or just the fact that they are tougher than you. my sister was in a relationship like that, he was a real jealous guy, because my sister is beautiful girl and he didn't like the fact that other guys would look at her or talk to her, so he would take it out on her by abusing her, mostly verbally but a lot of physical abuse too.

Personally I think they happen because people don't know how to control what's bottled up inside, so they take it out on someone who they know they can affect. usually there past isn't good, or maybe they were a victim of being abused, so when they grow up, that's what they have seen, and know. I'm not saying it's good, but it happens, and people need to start realizing who has that potential in them.

I guess it really depends. Most of the time, when a child is abused as a child or sees their mother/father being abused by another parent, they take it out on someone else. They usually take it out on their child or the people they love.

Sometimes they have mental problems and don't know what they're doing. And other times, they may just be drunk.

Answer 3

Speaking on a psychological level, it is often extreme anger. The person could have been mistreated as a child, had a traumatic event happen that caused their anger, or, just want a sense of power. Most of the time it is the first. The person doesn't know what to do with all the anger inside and usually takes it out on a weaker human being. Abusers often need help to control their anger. They need to get it out in a way that doesn't hurt people.

Often, the person is intoxicated or on drugs. When drunk, the person cannot function normally. This causes them to be more violent and often dangerous. Even if on drugs, they can do stupid things they wouldn't do sober.

There are lots of reasons that a person will abuse another person (or even animal for that matter). Some will apply to one abuser, others will not, and vice versa.

The above are just some of the reasons why an abuser will abuse.

It's part of the cycle. The abuser was once the abusee. You know, on the receiving end of the abuse at one point in their lives. Most often the abuser was abused as a child his- or herself. This creates the belief that abuse is normal in some cases. It is what this person knows to be life. Abuse comes in all sorts of ways: physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, etc. - all of which could apply to this history.

Anger. Anger can come from a single or a chain of events. Many times, the abuser has anger issues and/or does not know how to deal with their anger. This results in physical "relief" of that anger by abuse of another person.

Stress. Also stems from a single or a chain of events. Another coping mechanism for someone might be abuse of another, thus "relieving" their stress.

Alcohol. Most times results in anger, which in turn leads to abuse. Sometimes results in stress, which leads to abuse. In either case, alcohol may intensify these feelings of anger, frustration, and anxiety thus leading to abuse.

Power. Many times the need to feel powerful is a result of some kind of abuse in the abuser's own history. When the abuser was once abused, they felt as though they had no control. Now that the person is the abuse, it gives them that false sense of power over another as well as a false sense of strength. Kind of like a "look at me now" to their past abuser(s) to show that they can now be in control. It is basically a power struggle.

Mental illnesses. Frankly, sometimes the person just flat out doesn't know that they are abusing anyone or anything at all. This can be the result of some sort of mental illness in which case the brain does not associate their actions as wrong. These type of mental illnesses may be as a result of past abuse they endured. Other times it may be a genetic illness that was not dominant in the parents, or even grandparents and so on, but is now dominant in the child (the abuser as an adult per se).

Improper Moral/Value Learning. This could be a form of mental illness, however in some cases it is simply the fault of the parents and the environment of the abuser as a child. The parents failed to teach the abuser right vs. wrong in the past. This cause is most often a secondary cause to some of the more common causes. Again, in this case, the abuser flat out doesn't know that it is wrong to abuse another.

Just plain evil. Despite everything, most psychologists prefer to discover the reasoning behind the abuser's actions. Very few resort to this method of thinking, but it is possible. In this case, the person has no conscious, despite seemingly proper upbringing and seemingly decent abilities to cope with stress, anger, frustrations, anxieties, etc.

This list is by no means complete. There are many small or large factors that would result in the reason for one to abuse another one. In any case, there are several programs available for each controlling reason and type of abuse. There are also medications available that could help alleviate some of these feelings. None of these types of rehabilitation is a quick fix. They all require dedication from both the professional and the abuser. It's very difficult to help someone who is completely in denial or just doesn't want any help at all. Rehabilitation can be achieved, however, any trust between the abuser and abusee may not be.

If you or someone you know is experiencing any type of abuse - whether it is physical, mental, sexual, or otherwise inappropriate - seek professional help immediately. If you are scared or do not know where to start, seek the advice of an adult that you trust and can confide in. You could also call any of the numerous toll-free, anonymous hotlines that are available for advice in the next step. The victim(s) of abuse does require medical attention as well as counseling or some type of rehabilitation services.

Just as a victim needs counseling (and/or rehabilitation) to recover, an abuser needs rehabilitation (and/or counseling) as well. We may think jail is the best place for them, but eventually they will be released in most cases, and that just provides means for an even more grim circumstance and continuous abusing.

Answer 4

what makes you get invole in a abusive relationship is when you lety yourself let him/her hit you and you don't do anything to get help instead you stay there maybe for your kids or because you love him. and you think he'll change but he won't once you let him hit you he wont stop it like an addiction. and if you don't get out next thing you know you might end up dead. your still there too because of lack of confidence you don't care about yourself enough and that's pretty sad. find a way to escape before it's to late. I know how you feel, find some help before it's to late.

Answer 5

There are so many reasons to answer this question. No one could ever predict the correct answer for any particular situation. Many people stay because they think it will get better. Some stay because they are used to the honeymoon period after a fight when one feels particularly loved and cared for. Some think it's good to stay because there are children involved (this is never-ever correct). Some think if they stick it out, he/she will change and be the person they seem to be during the honeymoon period. Some stay simply because this is familiar ground and it is what they are used to and comfortable with. Change is hard and scarry. Some stay because of religious and/or moral beliefs that they should stay with this person no matter what happens. Some stay because the sex is good and the chemistry is high end. Some are jealous and don't want anyone else to be loved by this person and/or love this person. The list is endless. Whatever the reasons, they all seem legitimate at the time and it is not until you are free once and for all that you realize what a waste of time and love it is to stay with anyone who would abuse you and your emotions. Once you are completely free, it is then that you realize that what you felt for this person wasn't love at all....it was simply what you were used to. Freedom don't come free, but my God, it's beautiful when you get there!

Answer 6

Answer: Because abuse is about control. The victim is in the relationship because they feel an emotional connection to the abuser and they have been "trained" to think that it's the victims fault.

Answer: Most people don't have any idea that that's the kind of relationship they just got in or some people are really despereat

Answer 7

People who are victims of domestic violence stay in abusive relationships because their abusers cause them to believe that they have no rights that are worth exercising. The abuser also instills fear in their victims. Reprisals are swift and often brutal. Even threats of depriving victims of access to their children, are used to keep the victim close and under control.

Laws are never adequate to protect victims of domestic abuse. Some victims manage to get away by using a safe house (Abuse victim centers), where they are safe for awhile. Even then, after leaving the safe house, they are sometimes found by their abusers and beaten and sometimes killed. The psychology of the victim is complex and specific to each victim. They may have been convinced by their abuser that they are worthless and nobody else will treat them as well. Some side with their abusers hoping it will lead to better treatment. Self deception is a common defense mechanism, used to make life a little more tolerable.

In most cases, initial emotional abuse is followed by physical abuse. Following a particularly abusive episode, the abuser often then showers the victim with promises, affection, or gifts and behaves remorsefully, vowing to never repeat the destructive behavior.

However, once an abuser becomes physically violent, reform never occurs without some form of intervention. The damaging behavior is inevitably repeated in some form, and over time, becomes more frequent and more violent. These escalations sometimes result in the death of the victim.

The only recourse is distasteful and difficult: to cut any and all ties completely to the abuser, including geographical location, as well as removal of any children as soon as humanly possible.

If you are in a woman's shelter, he can just hire a private detective to find you, usually it takes 2 days. Your family, friends, neighbors can also give him information that will help him find you. The best way to disappear is to make a safety plan. If possible, find somewhere to hide important documents, photos, etc. perhaps with a neighbor, or even put inside a plastic bag and a metal box which you bury in the yard for when you do leave.

Personal experiences

When you leave use local buses and hide your trail. I found a cafe waitress who, once she heard my story, was kind enough to drive me to the next town where I caught a city to city bus. I bought a ticket to a city but I got off before we came to the city that the ticket was for. (It took me 3 years of secretly getting money from family and by pawning items.)

I got a live-in domestic help position for a year until I had enough money to go to a city where I wanted to live. I hired a lawyer to lease a place for me, put all of my bills with his office address on it. I legally changed my name and cut and dyed my hair. I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED TO ESCAPE.

Answer 8

They have their own problems in which they have not sorted out therefore they take anger or other feelings out on the person whom they are with. Their are other reasons as well.