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1. It is riddled with the arrows of the local natives, angered by my occupation of their traditional homelands.

2. It smells an awful lot like rickets.

3. It contains a secret basement for hiding inscrutable maps and anachronistically sophisticated clues that may, one day, lead Nicholas Cage to a "successful" trilogy.

4. Lice.

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Q: How is your home like that of an American colonist?
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