How does the adult child cope with an elderly narcissistic parent?

Answer 1

== == == == * Narcissistic is used too freely. If your mother always had Narcissistic characteristics that is one thing and you may have to choose to stay away from her altogether to keep your sanity. However, as some people age they can have disease called Dementia (Alzheimer's) and can make them appear to be mean, self absorbed, paranoid, but it is the brain aging. Talk to your mother's doctor and let him/her know what is going on. They may have some suggestions as to how you should handle this. == == * Well the reason the word narcissist is used on this Wiki forum is because it is about Narcissism. We must assume anyone posting questions and answer is already aware they are dealing with a narcissist. == == * As you look at the following answers, some people here obviously have no clue what it means to have a narcissistic parent. == == * I am undergoing the same thing. I thought it was dementia, but now I am not sure. She has dissociative disorder symptoms when she doesn't get her way. I noticed she emotionally manipulates me. If I don't respond the way she wants me to, she gets angry. She said, "I said confetti instead of spaghetti ha ha ha ha ha ahha ha ha hah aaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahahahahah" I said, "ok, ha ha funny mom." She said, "I don't think you heard me, I said confetti instead of spaghetti. ha ha hahhhahahahahahaha." I said, "ha ha." (that's the best I could do, it just wasn't that funny. especially since she wasn't letting me chose to laugh, but forcing me into it.) She said, "what's wrong with you?" I said, "mom, its a little funny but just not THAT funny." She said, "oh you didn't hear me, I said confetti instead of spaghetti. ha ha haha ha haha." I said, "ha ha I get it I get it." She said, "Then why aren't you laughing. I don't know what's gotten into you, but you are just plain evil now." click (hung up on me) Am I talking to a 5-year old? == == * It appears your mother has some type of psychological disorder and only a specialist can diagnose this. One poster suggest putting distance between yourself and your parent, but I disagree. Mental disorders are certainly harder to deal with then physical disorders (which we can see and understand), but mental or physical, it's best to take a small break (laugh if you have to at their jokes, but be firm other times.) I always feel that the elderly deserve respect and one must be careful if they once had a loving parent that is doing strange things and you decide to just up and get out of their lives. Once your parent(s) dies there is no going back to fix the mistakes you made. Try to have patience, take a break, then go back, but NEVER give up. Parents aren't on this earth too long and who wants to go through with regrets hanging off their shoulders. == == * Assuming your parent who we assume is a narcissist and abused you as does many Narcissists (diagnosed or not). Well whatever dementia or sickness has overcome them in old age is going to make them more miserable. They will get even meaner and behave even more erratically. Don't let them make you feel guilty for not "respecting" them and don't let well meaning relatives talk you into "finding it in your heart" to forgive and forget. The Narcissistic parent is not going to change. Just deal with it as best you can taking care of the parent physically while keeping your distance. Once death takes them it will come as a shock to you yet you will be relieved. Sure there is some aching and sadness, but it wont be any prolonged grieving as if you had actually bonded with a caring parent. Just wish them peace in the afterlife and get on with your life. == == * There is a far cry from being a narcissist to a person with other illnesses that can change their mental status and having Dementia. Remember, in most cases your parents (especially your mother) was there when you were ill during childhood (and probably saw you through problems in your adult life) and you certainly must have had some good memories, so why walk away completely when it takes a little work to try to put up with them for a few hours out of your lifetime. No, it's not easy and I know all about that, but hey, nothing in life that is worth anything is easy! Those who dismiss their elderly parents (who use to treat you well) deserve some kindness and of course you need to take a break and not feel guilty about it, but, when you love someone be it parents, grandparents, husband, child, friend, then you stick to the end. Life isn't worth living if you always take the easy way out! == == * I had a mother who was diagnosed Borderline personality disorder, a close cousin of NPD. She did develop Alzheimer's and I felt NOTHING close to grieving over lost love when she passed on. Some parents are mentally ill, manipulative and evil parent never had truly cared and nurtured their child unconditionally. There are no loving memories. In cases where the parent is mentally ill diagnosed or not, it is especially the mother who inflicts the most abuse. Living with nightmares and trauma memories all our lives because some mental health "professional" could not and would not "diagnose" her mentally illness a long time before. We are surviving victims of abuse. We know, we see, we feel what has happened. == == * Often people put the label of 'Narcissist' for the sake of a better word and can put it in the this section. Some parents can be cruel throughout the life of a child or children and just be mean to the bone. A person is not a narcissist unless a psychiatrist has deemed them so. If one is so sure their aging parent is insane and cruel then there are ways for a doctor to psychologically test and diagnose the aging parent. There are other mental diseases that can imitate a narcissistic personality and I feel indeed that some people shouldn't have children! The parent should be tested by a qualified psychiatrist for a true diagnosis (could well be narcissistic trait) but what if it's Dementia. * To this day psychiatrist are studying whether Narcissism exists alone or is meshed in with other disorders. Here are some links: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=940DE4DC1E38F932A35752C1A96E948260&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=all http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism_(psychology)

Answer 2

I think a big portion is to recognize that the child is separate from you as a human being and you did not, by some parenting event, cause them to be this way. Don't lay guilt and shame at your door. Then, you set boundaries for contact (perhaps short time, away from your home, etc.) to keep you safe.