How do you make a monster?

Answer 1

This depends on what kind of monster you wish to make. We in polite society do not appreciate monsters that involve real people committing crimes against humanity and you will not find instructions on how to create them here.

That goes for lawyers as well.

The best kind of monsters are made by stitching body parts together. If you can't find such parts at your local supermarket, try using LEGO or plasticine or mashed potatoes. Do not use mashed patotoes and gravy, that would make an abomination, which is a completely different question. Once you have stitched or molded the parts into the body you think is most fitting, hook it up to a lightning rod on top of your castle. If you don't own a castle, you can use your shed. If you don't own a shed, you shouldn't be making a monster in the first place. If you don't own a lightning rod, or if you do not have the patience to wait for an electrical storm you can jump start the monster by using the battery from a 1978 Honda Accord Hatchback.

Opening an inter-dimensional portal is a time-tested monster maker. Results may vary.

Buying a mogwai is always good. Simply add water. Carefully.

Radiation or strange meteors seem to have mutagenic properties. Exposure to animals, graveyards or mother-in-laws is sure to achieve monstrous effects, if not more so. Keep such mutagenic items away from your cat and make sure to wear lead-shielding over all those places you wish to remain familiar to yourself.

Aliens are technically not monsters, but will serve in a pinch. Avoid the intellectual kind, they tend to be psychopathic when they go bad and are way too practical in wreaking havoc. And somehow testosterone-enhanced humans figure out how to kill them within mere hours of an attack. Savage, feral alien predators and beasts work best since they quickly replicate and are highly creative. Finding one may prove difficult though since the government tends to get to them first and selfishly stows them away in secret laboratories so that when the alien inevitably escapes it only destroys the best scientific minds of our century.

If you are interested in becoming a monster yourself, the best way is to deprive yourself of sleep, ignore your social life, eat cold tv dinners and endlessly scour the web for information pertaining to every possible facet of human experience. This will drastically alter your physical appearance and personal hygiene, reduce your oral communication skills to strange grunts and inhalations, warp your spine and leave your fingers crippled by carpal tunnel syndrome, which look like claws, which is perfect. This can be done by registering at Wikianswers, which will make your transformation, while grisly, time well spent and constructive to the global community.

Good luck with that!